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Showing posts from December, 2017

The Smell of Home

  The lights flickered on in the locker room, and Paul was immediately assaulted by the smell. That rank, powerful stench called hockeymusk that he was so aversed to. It offended him. Deeply. Just being in the locker room of those chauvinistic, cis-gendered pigs made him furious. See, Paul was something of a social justic warrior. Not the kind that would go out and fight for the homeless, oppressed, or misunderstood. He was the SJW that demanded the great Red American Revolution, thinking himself a nouveau Lenin. What was the cause this time? Sports. Evidently sports caused a hierarchical class system that placed the well-abled above the common man, and it oppressed the weak of the populus. Welp, it had to go. His plan was to sneak into the local hockey team’s locker room, and destroy all their gear, making it impossible for them to play the next day. However, the actual task was proving to rather more difficult than he expected, as the famously rancid hockeymusk defiled his nostrils.

Obsessive Idolatry

  Jake Rathbone. My God, Jake Rathbone. How do I describe him? The perfect human being? A God among men? The envy of the universe? That’s inadequate. He is flawless. And he will be all mine. He made me pick up skateboarding. He made me shop at Pac Sun & Zumiez. I saw him drink a Rockstar Xdurance once, so I started drinking Rockstar Xdurance.  Now I know what you’re thinking: you’re going a bit overboard, Tim. But you don’t understand, Jake Rathbone is my idol. It’s like the universe put us on the same planet just to bring us together. Here’s the problem, though: Jake is a superstar. That presents it’s own obstacles to making him my perfect husband. He’s surrounded 24/7 by his freeloading entourage, and it makes it nearly impossible to get close.  So, what’s a poor kid of 41 from Newark, New Jersey to do? Well, thanks to a mysterious package, a plan hatched in my head.  It started when this tiny little envelope was dropped off by UPS. It was addressed to me, from some Doctor from N